If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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