If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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