I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
