I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
