He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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