i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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