My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
