I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
