He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
