I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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