Soap is not a condiment
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
