Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize