Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
