i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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