it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the condom got lost in my hair
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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