I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
