I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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