the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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