My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
