I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
