is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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