I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You pole danced in your parka.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
