Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The best revenge is premature balding
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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