your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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