On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
