I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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