what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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