K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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