Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
