don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
smell my finger.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
