worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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