i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Are my feet made of real feet?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You ruined the universe
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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