You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
