i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
