I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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