I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
