I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
