I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Randomize
