Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
