your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What a dumb baby whore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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