Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
