I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
