i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
