Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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