so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
