Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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