The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
