Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
