I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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