Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
