Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
