i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
