it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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