i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
