Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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