I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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