My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
