Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
