we have pet lesbian snakes
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize