the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
