Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
