i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize