I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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