dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
